Solitude

I like the feeling of solitude. There's something about being on your own alone that is comforting in a way. I enjoy not being beholden to anyone. Maybe it's just an escape from my insecurities. But maybe it's not, because even when I'm supremely confident people bore me. I like to do my own thing. And I'll admit that yes there are insecurities associated with talking to others. I don't want to appear too needy to some people for example. But the will to talk to them doesn't override that. Have I begun to lose faith in people? Absolutely. This novel sense of contempt towards others is empowering in a way. I can play nice, but its gotten to the point I'd rather be by myself than fucking someone else. And what am I doing by myself ideally? Improving myself for the purpose of increasing my sexual value. There lies an irony of sorts. All of this stems from insecurity, the solitude, etc. I'm an insecure person. But one who is so self-absorbed I cannot begin to worry about others beyond a twinge of emotion. It's always struck me as odd that nothing mortifies me. Disaster almost amuses me. Death is impersonal, even when it's close. The fear that has preoccupied me forever is being cheated on, that's why I never get into relationships. Yet I am willing to cheat with little to no hesitation. I realize I get jealous easily, even when I don't care about someone. But that's the only motivation for me to do anything. Who cares what a bitch does without me, so long as I have the freedom to do whatever I want without her. That's my fear of cheating, I'm afraid of being bested by someone else, of coming out worse. When I have the hand I can end anything with no regrets or second thoughts. Of course it doesn't make me happy but its not supposed to. If happiness and sadness fight for equilibrium, there's no point chasing happiness or avoiding misery. And unless I'm willing to submit to blissful ignorance or succumb to overriding pessimism, it'll even out. Yet it's too late for the former, and while I find myself leaning towards the latter at times, I don't care about anything enough to actually be bothered by it. The simple fact is happiness isn't something you can control easily. And I'd rather let it flow naturally. What I crave is knowledge, power, influence. The fucking world. I want to be on top of it, I want to know its my world. And it is. If I wanted to kill someone, I have the power to. The issue is they have the power to kill me too. I can't let that happen. I need to come out on top even if its a fluke. Small samples sizes are what I'm looking for that I win out of. Once I break as positive as I can, leave. I'm selfish, and fucked up. I love it.