Indulging in False Realities

Just Love Will Open Our Eyes

The title sounds a little cryptic, but why not; the original title was "Why Books Are Incredible," which I thought sounded a little too plain. I had the original idea for this post on 12/21/13, but never got around to actually typing it. If you were wondering about the quote at the top of the page, that's a new feature I'm going to add to musings. Musings aren't very much fun to type, but I feel they're important. A musing on this blog generally consists of my exploration into a topic that has recently piqued my interest; it's something that I do all of the time, but the tiresome part is transcribing my thoughts into paper, or in this case, data. The quote will be from whatever song I'm listening to when I start typing the musing as a treat to myself, in this case, Pig by Dave Matthews.
False Realities encompass, obviously, all interpretations of the world surrounding us that are not based in our Primary Reality. Art, for example, is a false reality. Both literature and music fit the description perfectly. Even the news tentatively fits into this categorization; although the news, ideally, is a factual report of real events that have happened, the way in which the news is presented makes it a false reality. People's realities, as per extension, are false realities, clouded by bias and subjugated by our feeble minds; this isn't necessarily a shot against humanity, but rather an acknowledgment that the world does not objectively exist as we perceive it. Our own perceptions of reality are false; however, our perceived realities are also our Primary Realities, and as such exists as the Real Reality to our subjective viewpoint. As confusing as that may sound, put more simply (And inaccurately), a False Reality is a Reality we observe through an external agent, and Real Reality is what we observe through an internal agent. This isn't to say Real Reality is superior to False Reality; far from it. While False Reality is easily manipulated and distorted, it can more often be miscommunicated. How many times have you been in a position where you've understood something better than you've been able to explain it? Real only exists to the Perceiver. The meaning of a song to the listener is only what it means to the listener, which seems fallacious at first; why isn't what the writer of the song intended it to mean the meaning of the song to the listener? That's because the songwriter's meaning isn't real to the listener. If the songwriter has a discussion with the listener, and converts the listener to his vantage point, than the songwriter's meaning has become real to the listener. There's nothing wrong with this, because what's real can change. Reality is NOT more objective than Falsehood. So, what does this have to do with "Why Books Are Incredible?" Our Realities are incredibly limited. We can do anything, but we can't do everything, and there are experiences that we will, ultimately, not be able to experience on our own. As such, there are viewpoints we will never get to see, lessons we will never get to learn, and memories we will never get to have. False Realities do a great job of allowing us to experience more (Although not really experience more). As much as I want to get kicked out of an all-black college to which I had a full scholarship for almost killing the founder, almost die working in a Paint factory, lead a miniature uprising for a Communist Party in Harlem with my oration, and eventually flee into the sewers to avoid being arrested by Policemen who suspect that I am a looter during a Harlem Riot, I will never get to do that. As such, the closest I can get to doing this is by reading Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. While I never will get the full experience by reading this book, I can begin to understand it. As much as I want to live on the Jersey Shore in a house with my closest friends and enemies, partying with full-celebrity status, I will never get to experience this. As such, the closest I can get to doing this is by watching The Jersey Shore. These are experiences I will likely never have. If I want to see what it's like to drop acid or have a threesome, I have two choices; experience through secondhand opinion, or do it myself. A False Reality can never replace the Real Reality. However, the Real Reality is severely limited, and is supplemented by occasional indulgence in a False Reality. That is why books, art, literature, music, and the like are incredible. They may not replace the real thing, but they can take you places where Real Reality cannot. They can provide us with viewpoints we will never get to see, lessons we will never get to learn, and memories we will never get to have. Obviously the key here is moderation, because denial of Real Reality and subsequent escape into a False Reality leads to a destructive disconnect. However, as a supplement to Real Reality, as a servant to the master that is Real Reality, False Reality is incredible.
As I typed that last sentence, I remembered a great scene from the movie Good Will Hunting, where Robin Williams, while pondering over a serene pond or something gay like that, says to Matt Damon:

So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the Pope, sexual orientation, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right: 'Once more into the breach, dear friends.' But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, and watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of Hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sittin' up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes that the terms 'visiting hours' don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

I look at you. I don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine. You ripped my fuckin' life apart. You're an orphan, right? Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, 'cause I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you, sport? You're terrified of what you might say.

Required Reading, although somewhat unrelated. Don't confuse a False Reality with Hyperreality, and don't indulge so far in False Reality that it becomes Hyperreality. Life isn't fun living in Hyperreality. I've attempted to read Simulacra and Simulation before, but put it aside for another time. I barely understood what was being said, and it took a long time just to read a single page. I was actually originally drawn to the reading after I read the Story of the Eye, a relatively short work, and incredibly messed up, but nonetheless a fantastic work. Simulacra and Simulation was actually one of the original inspirations for the movie The Matrix, and this book was required reading for all actors in the Matrix, although the author of Simulacra and Simulation has publicly stated that The Matrix is a wrongful interpretation and distortion of his work. If you want to take a crack at Simulacra and Simulation, go for it. If you want a sample of the text:

The simulacrum is never what hides the truth - it is truth that hides the fact that there is none. The simulacrum is true. 

-Ecclesiastes  

If once we were able to view the Borges fable in which the cartographers of the Empire draw up a map so detailed that it ends up covering the territory exactly (the decline of the Empire witnesses the fraying of this map, little by little, and its fall into ruins, though some shreds are still discernible in the deserts - the metaphysical beauty of this ruined abstraction testifying to a pride equal to the Empire and rotting like a carcass, returning to the substance of the soil, a bit as the double ends by being confused with the real through aging) - as the most beautiful allegory of simulation, this fable has now come full circle for us, and possesses nothing but the discrete charm of second-order simulacra.

That's the first paragraph. Have fun.

It's You

I finally realize what it is. For a long time, people have told me I have something on my shoulder, an anger deep inside of me that has yet to be resolved. I've never denied it, but have never taken it too seriously either. I had always figured that the answer to my psychological issues would come to me in a great epifiny one day, and the conflict would've been something cliche; anger at my dad for "abandoning" me, or blaming myself for my parents divorce, or something along those lines. But no, I realize now what it is; it's you. You're the person I haven't forgiven, the person I've always hated. Maybe I do blame you for the divorce subconsciously, maybe I don't; I genuinely believe I don't care about the divorce at all anymore though. I also don't care about my father in any capacity, and don't miss the family after everyone took the other side. What I hate is you. You created this dynamic that entrapped me, made me dependent on you, on your side, in your dispair from the divorce. You created this mentality in me that my dad was evil, my family was evil, everyone is evil, and you're the saint who sacrificed everything for me, the one who gave up 36 hours to give birth to me, the one who sold her jewelry to keep me in hockey. You made me fear the real world as a child, instead clinging to the fallen reality you had "gifted" to my brother and I. I would live somewhere else by now if I had money and a college degree, but I'm afraid of what can happen. Maybe I still should live somewhere else. You managed to push me away and pull me in simultaneously. There's a reason I ignored you when I was in college, and it's not because I forgot to answer you, or because I was drunk half the time, or because I was with my friends. It was because you finally didn't have power over me. And the funny thing is, the power structure is more or less imagined, something I've played into. Power is a concept, but it isn't tangible. If I want to live under your roof, I would have to follow at least your minimal rules. But there are plenty of places to live, and I would've been better off doing my own thing. I'm only subjected to your power as much as I allow myself to be subjected to it. It's funny how its always everyone else's fault with you, and you're always the victim. I've always felt subjugated to your decisions and will, and felt that my freedom has been restricted. That's why I jumped at the chance to do drugs, to have sex, to do everything you told me not to do. It was pure adolescent rebellion, and I'll admit they were blind decisions with limited foresight. Maybe the horrible dynamic you've established with me is the reason I can't hold a real relationship with a girl for anything more than my selfish desires. I'm sick of you.

This is all in the past though. I do still hate you, and I'm going to have issues with this until I can forgive you, which isn't happening until I don't see you for a long, long time. I can't force myself to forgive you unfortunately, and a conscious acknowledgement that "I forgive you," that I played a hand in my issues as well (although at the age my issues developed at I couldn't have known better), and that you were emotionally devasted, maybe a little soul searching as for your motivations for doing what you did, won't be enough. The reality of te situation is that I have to deal with you for two weeks until I go to college again, in this horrible dynamic we have; the dynamic has never changed between us in the past two an a half years, since I started "revolting" against you. I'm still too stubborn to bend to your wishes, and you're too stubborn to bend to mine. There's an immense conflict of interest, primarily fueled by hatred on my side, and I don't know what on yours. Maybe I'll forgive you when time goes on, but it's not something I can force. The important thing, at the very least, has been discovered on my part. I did have psychological issues in the past, and you are the reason for a lot of those issues. But now, it's up to me to be my own man. I no longer want to have horrible relationship dynamics with girls (re: mommy issues). I no longer want to do drugs, and haven't touched anything, even weed, in months. I may have found the motivation for a lot of the shit I have done. However, these are still my choices, and I can make the choice to not do these things. I'm going to delve into this more in the future, I have a lot of thoughts on this. My mind has been proccupied with this as I cooked dinner for myself, ate it, and then eventually started typing this post. But at this point, I've been thinking of this for the past hour, ever since you left to go celebrate Christmas Eve without me. And good, because now I'm alone, and I've never felt more liberated. I've had time to finally identify the demons I've been living with, both metaphorically and literally. I just can't wait for college.

"Running away isn't rough, but it isn't enough"

Hypocritical

A long time ago, a friend of mine told me that "Any girl who has fucked a black guy is automatically off limits for me." Recently, I found out that friend had fucked the very girl he was talking about about a month later. Hypocrites are everywhere. While it's easy to dehumanize others, and rationalize the inferiority of the masses, we tend to forget that we all make up the masses. In reality, very few people stand out relative to others. Talk is cheap, but action is real. There is not a single person alive who does not, ideally, try to do what they believe makes them happiest. Talk, and thought, are easy; the ideal is achieved without any effort. If you could peer through a hypothetical window into someones mind, you can see their ideals. You can see the inner recesses of someone's thought, where that person "Is a good, caring person," "Doesn't gutter fuck," and "Always sticks by his friends." This person, however, may be fucking every girl who will give it up, may not be actively seeking to do good ("All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"), and may sell out his friends at the drop of a hat for something he so selfishly desires. The difference between what one says/thinks, and what one does, is called self-mastery. By mastering oneself, he can ultimately become the greatest person he can be, as defined by his subjective ideals. My most important ideals are as follows:

• Someone who works hard for his goals

I workout semi-consistently. Ideally, I want to go to the gym 4 times a week, and do ab-days twice a week away from the gym. Realistically, I go more about 3 times a week, and haven't had a bonafide ab-day in months. I haven't played hockey in a long time. While this is largely due to many outside circumstances, I haven't necessarily actively searched for ice whenever possible. I want to make music. I produce semi-consistently (Probably about 6 hours a week) and play probably about 10 hours a week, but have yet to finish an album, and have yet to do any vocal work. I should've produced by now today; however, after coming back from the gym, I had an hour to kill before heading to a Christmas Party. I decided to kill it off by playing guitar instead. After coming back, I went to go eat, and after eating, had diarrhea. Perfect chance to stay home and produce. However, after eating, I played NHL14 for two hours, while listening to the whole album "Torches," as well as the whole album "Watching Movies with the Sound Off." Following that, I put on a facial mask, then bullshitted around for about two hours on the internet. I finally decided to force myself to write a blog post, and here I am now, at 10:34 P.M., without having produced at all.
Hypocrite Rating-3.5/10. I can work for what I want, but have problems maintaining a proper work ethic and spend way too much time bullshitting around. I am somewhat hypocritical here

• Someone who is desired by others

Sometimes I am, sometimes I am not. I can't control other people. This is a stupid one. I need to stop being dependent on the approval of others.
Hypocrite Rating-8.0/10. I shouldn't be beholden to others like this.

• Someone who remains true to his ideology, no matter the circumstance

I've fucked girls who were below my standards before. There have been times where I have stood up for what I've believed in; what comes to mind is three years ago, I argued against about 8 friends that God existed, being the only person arguing for God. Nevertheless, I seem to have problems standing up for myself when something isn't as forthright. If there's an open diss to my sense of self, I have no problem defending myself, but with something subtle where it's not as certain, I can be hesitant.
Hypocrite Rating-4.0/10.

• Someone who is capable of anything he wants to do

I'm incredibly gifted. I was born with a slightly below genius IQ (133 for those wondering), I stand 6'1 in perfect health, athletic, relatively good looking. I have an incredible mother who works her ass off for me, and have been surrounded with incredible influences my entire life. I've fucked up so many times, and have gotten lucky even more times, and I'm genuinely lucky I didn't fall into a path of drug abuse, nonproductivity, etc... I have an addictive personality, and am decently secure, and coupled with the fact I've dealt with those circumstances early in my life (My father was addicted to cigarettes, coke, and alcohol; the latter two being psychological addictions, but nonetheless I've had some negative circumstances in my life). I lack common sense at times, but that's something you obtain with experience, and I've grown in that department as I've gotten older. Although my family struggles financially, I live in one of the most affluent counties in the world. I have the genuine potential to do anything I want to do. Unfortunately, this all remains purely potential. Until I capitalize on it, I am not capable of doing anything I want to do.
Hypocrite Rating-5.5/10. I've wasted so much time. It needs to stop.

• Someone who doesn't act in a malicious nature towards others

I can be horrible. Just a few days ago I was contemplating the best way to make a certain girl suicidal, or at the very least manically depressed. I'm generally a good person, but my insecurity can get in the way of that.
Hypocrite Rating-8.5/10

Average everything out, and my hypocrite rating is a 5.6. That honestly doesn't seem too great. It's safe to say, I'm moderately hypocritical. However, awareness should be the key to changing that. Self-mastery is the key to success.

Inspiration

I get most or my ideas for blog posts, music, anything else of a creative nature primarily in three settings: in the shower, on walks, or by sitting down and forcing myself to make something happen. As I write this blog post, I am sitting down at my job, being put into a supervision role at the moment. As such, I have time to type this up, because I'm not really doing anything. I don't have much on my mind, but I'm going to force myself to type a post out anyway. And in a way, forcing yourself to do something is what you have to do sometimes. When people are interested in writing a book or a screenplay or a song, the most common excuse used is "I have to wait for inspiration." And in a way, it's important to have inspiration when doing something in a creative capacity. Unfortunately, inspiration is an incredibly abstract concept, and it's not uncommon for someone to experience a period of time where no inspiration strikes at all. Writers block perfectly exemplifies this phenomenon.

This inspiration fallacy can extend to even monotonous tasks such as cooking, cleaning, working out, etc... Sometimes, we are motivated to do the things that we should be doing. Sometimes, there is no motivation. Lately, due to time constraints, I have been lazy about working out and writing music. I haven't worked out since Saturday, and it's already Wednesday. I haven't written music since a 6 hour session on Sunday. I still know how to work out, and maybe if I go workout today, even though I really don't feel like it, the quality of the workout will not be what I am used to. But having a crappy workout today beats not working out at all, and sometimes you're going to have to force yourself to just get up and do it.

Pain

Pain inspires beauty. We crave pain, we need pain. Pain enables us to empathize with our fellow human beings. We grow through pain. Pain uproots us from toxic situations, pain precedes the next great thing. Pain separates us from automatons. Pain creates and pain destroys. Pain inspires. Pain has crafted some of the best music and art in the world, as well as the worst. Pain lets us breath. Pain hurts. Pain cannot be contained. When we experience true pain, we can't hide from it. We can try, but the pain will come. Pain disrupts our monotonous routines. Pain excites. Pain adds risk to love. If love was safe, it wouldn't be special. Pain follows from vulnerability. That much is simple, but the vulnerability is the elegance of it. Don't disrupt pain. The worst thing someone can do is to hide their emotions in a shell and tuck it away someplace where it will never be found. The reward is worth the pain, every single time. And when the pain comes, and it inevitably will, don't cower from it, bask in it. Let it out, break something, throw something, scream, cry, do something. It's all part of the human experience.

I cried when my father left my family, every day for a year. My mother always said I haven't cried since. Technically, she would be correct; I never physically cried again after that. But she doesn't know better. I cried when my great grandpa died. I cried when my first best friend moved away. I cried after a fight with my second ever best friend in middle school which severed our friendship. I cried every day for a month when I couldn't play hockey anymore because of financial problems. I cried when my first love broke my heart; that's how it happened, and don't let me convince you otherwise. I may feign a disinterest in her, but I would get back together with her in a heartbeat. I cried when my second love cheated on me. I cried when I got kicked out of college. I cried at the end of the movie Malice in Wonderland. And now, I'm crying over another girl who betrayed me and everything that we were. Of course, I ran out of tears when my father left; technically, my eyes have yet to procure a physical tear since. But the pain inside remains true, and as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling contemplating what went wrong this time, I ultimately would never take the pain away at the expense of the experience.

I've dealt with my pain in a number of ways. I'm a very insecure person. I have highly narcissistic tendencies; the last time I took a test for it I scored in the 98th percentile. Narcissism is more or less an overcompensation for a deep sense of inferiority and insecurity. I dealt with heartbreaks in every way, from fucking everything that moves, to ignoring, to cutting ties permanently (yet it's funny how permanently never lasts longer than a week), to drinking and smoking my pain away. None of this solves the problem, it just hides it. I'm lonely if I'm not constantly talking to someone. I have to stay up until 2 am texting a girl every night; if I don't, I feel like a loser. I'm always texting somebody, and when no one responds instantaneously, I find myself lost in my thoughts, questioning my self-worth. I know, and have known for quite some time, that I seek external validation, primarily sexually. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16, but I had sex a week later. I felt inferior to my friends until then, friends whos bravado screamed "look at me, I get it in." Now I'm good with girls. They're really not hard to figure out. But am I any happier? I seek out sluts because they're the ones who provide my validation the quickest. Fucking a girl the night you meet her is the ultimate ego boost. I always like to play the game "can I finger her before I kiss her." The girls I've messed with have already tainted my view of females. At times, I deal with my problems by trying to shove them into the back of my mind. This just leads to frequent outbursts, and more pain. Sometimes I work out, sometimes I listen to music. 

The big issue only appears when we try to mask our pain. We should not be seeking out pain. We should try to avoid pain, and seek happiness. However, in many cases, pain is the risk of happiness, and when we inevitably stare the face of emotional injury in the eyes, it is best to accept it as just another experience in this great big game we call existence.

Time is of the Essence

Procrastination epitomizes our culture's inherent disposition towards laziness. Day by day, the negative connotation corrodes away, as more and more people adapt the mindset Carpe Diem Cras. Psychologically, the phenomenon of putting off even the most basic tasks can be explained relatively simply, as the menacing deadlines imposed on us today limit our perceived freedom, and if there's one thing people hate, it's a threat against our freedoms. Procrastination leads us to ultimately rush our work, and the obvious detriment to this is that the general quality of everything we do is severely limited. Yet, there remains a latent danger involved with a consistency in this type of thinking, especially in our formative years. Every decision we make affects our future in some way, in a ripple effect fashion. The magnitude of the ripple is inconsequential. Every action we perform affects our future thinking in some way to some degree. In terms of behavior, performing a negative behavior prompts us to be more biased towards that behavior in the future, and the same rule applies for a positive behavior. This doesn't mean that if you smoke marijuana one time you will inevitably fall into a life of hardcore drugs, but rather that the act of smoking marijuana breeds a bias towards smoking marijuana, whereas refusing to smoke marijuana breeds a bias against smoking marijuana. Again, no matter how small this bias is, and it varies person to person, it will eventually add up over time. Our beliefs and characters will invariably line up with our past behaviors. The big issue with this is that negative behavior is unproductive behavior, and time is a limited resource we can never recover. Time is the most important resource we have because of that simple fact, because time is the only thing that can never be recovered. We can always fall in love again, we can always make more money. Time, however, should be invested wisely.
Now, everyone has different value systems in life. Some people want to be successful, while others just want to experience life. Everyone has meaning in their lives, because with irrational creatures such as us, even the absence of meaning is meaning. While I do not condone the pursuit of material objects, I am not the person to demand that one conforms to my belief system. You must decide your own rules, and decide how to live your own life. We define our own existence, it cannot be defined for us. Eventually, your clock will stop ticking. After that, your existence will be dramatically redefined, if not completely terminated. Invest this time, every moment of it, the way you want to, fully aware that every action at every point in your life will indubitably affect your future. Work for today to build what you want tomorrow, because when tomorrow comes around, there will be no more today.

The Message

There are many messages. Many will try to deceive you. Many will attempt to lead you astray, knowing fully that it is in the best interests of others for you to fail. But from the many messages, there is a true one. It will be dressed in different clothing and given to you in many forms, hoping one of its appearances will stick in your mind and teach you the secrets to life. There are no quick fixes. You are not special. There is no extended meaning. Things are what they are, and you can never change that. Accept it, and learn to optimize it, rather than dwell on it. You are not beholden to your circumstances, but rather you are responsible for your disposition towards them. Define your own reality, and create your own identity. Do not accept what isn't as what is.

The Point of Diminishing Returns

In everything in life, there comes a time in which the effort you once put into something is no longer satisfactory, and when your return begins to decrease as your effort begins to increase. You will eventually need to take more of a drug to realize its high. You will need more alcohol to get drunk (A rant for another time, but alcohol is a drug, and I dislike how it is separated categorically from things such as marijuana, cocaine, heroin, etc... by most people). This point is reached because without it, there would be some endeavor which could have limitless earning potential. The major thing I would like to focus on with this right now is with interpersonal relationships, specifically romantic ones. There comes a point in relationships in which the novelty begins to wear off, where people get too comfortable, and where it stops being worth it. For me, it seems most relationships hit this point at the three month mark. However, it varies girl to girl, usually inversely proportional with the amount of sexual partners she's had before me. I won't bother breaking down the specifics, or every reason why this happens. To be honest, most of these reasons are unknown to even myself. Irregardless, it doesn't matter either way because the why in this case is inconsequential. There are a number of signs which will show you that a girl has hit this point, most of which are minor and don't apply every time. However, the one consistency I have noticed regarding this subject is a single sign. Maybe it's due to a sample size, but the one thing every girl does when this point is hit is that she stops rationalizing my behavior. She stops defending it; not that I expect to be able to do whatever I want without being reprimanded, but a girl will start blaming me for things that she normally would not have. The sex will wear off too. In order to keep the relationship going past this point, it's going to require the sacrifice, in any magnitude, of your balls and your spine, as well as an increase in effort. You're going to have to start dealing with shit. It's going to stop being fun. If you truly believe you love a girl by this point, (Spoiler alert: You don't), you can stick it out and make your life hell past this point. But from experience, it's not worth it, and it never gets any better from that point forward. You have to realize when to cut your losses and move on. Not knowing is the Achilles' Heel of many gamblers, alcoholics, and addicts alike.
Commitment is something that is only searched for when you think, or even know, consciously or unconsciously, that you can't do better. True love doesn't exist, and monogamy is absolutely acceptable during the time of the relationship, as you shouldn't expect it unless you're willing to give it, but the idea that you should someone should be chained to you for the rest of their lives is rooted deeply in insecurity. Avoid it and any thinking that can relate to it.

Don't Buy Into the Lie

Incidentally, this is also the name of the first song I wrote on guitar. But I feel that this is a good time to post this, considering the circumstances surrounding my personal life at the time. Simply put, social interactions generally assume a false aura. Most people genuinely don't give a crap about you, especially as you get older, unless it can benefit them in some way. Girls don't care about you. If you're in a relationship, a girl may care about you as long as you can provide her with positive feelings, whether emotionally or physically. Once that stops, there may be a period where she will stick around. But if she doesn't have a preexisting commitment to you (I.e. kids), there will come a point where she will be fine with throwing you under a bus for her own benefit. Your superiors don't care about you. At work, your boss may or may not give you preferential treatment. However, once you stop providing a tangible benefit to the company, or the second that you do something to negatively affect the company or the company's image, you're gone. Most of your friends don't care about you. They may associate you with a positive image, but if you go against their agenda, or your friendship negatively affects them, they will likely not hesitate to cut you loose. Now this isn't to say that all people are bad people. This isn't to say that there aren't a few people who place others above themselves. These people exist, but are few and far between. But rather, this is more to warn you against falling victim to the same trends. Doing things in the best interests of others feels a lot better than doing it for yourself. Don't buy into this lie that the only thing that matters is the bottom line, or how something benefits you. Sacrifice to the greater good when you can. Devote your time and resources to those in need of it. It may seem counterintuitive to do so, but the trends of modern society are designed to make people miserable. Think about the levels of depression, dependence and addictions, and suicide that are more eminent today than at any other point in human history. We are "freer than ever before." We are more advanced than at any other point in human achievement. Theoretically, we should be happier as a species than ever before. Yet, the toxicity of a culture that centers around narcissism and self-interest has continually poisoned the happiness and souls of people today. There are people living in gutters in third world countries that are happier than we are. These people, of course, hang on to hope and the greater good, rather than indulge in hedonism. Rise above what Western Culture is becoming. You will likely be shunned for it,. Maybe you won't do it because acceptance is more important to you than your happiness. But if you stop and reflect on that idea, then maybe you will begin to realize what the problem is in the first place. Playing by the rules of the culture may advance you within the culture. But if your goal is heightened self-awareness and self-improvement, you're going to have to discover your own reality.

Song Lyrics:
Don't Buy Into the Lie (x2)

Spineless Girls Everywhere
Society of the Weak
Strike the Heart from the Rear
Where the Flesh is Exposed

Invertebrates in Strapless Dresses (x2)

Don't Buy Into the Lie (x2)
We will Fight into the Night
Don't Buy Into the Lie

Spineless Boys Everywhere
Pawn Their Souls for the Dream
Embrace your masculinity
Forge your Identity

Invertebrates in Two-Piece Swimsuits(x2)

Don't Buy Into the Lie (x2)
Fight for Your Own Life
Don't Buy Into the Lie

There must be Something in the Way
I can't see through the Void
It must be so Deep
Since we are so Empty

Invertebrates in the Chicken Coup (x2)

Don't Buy Into the Lie (x2)
There is Nothing Else to Sell
If you Buy Into the Lie

Revenge

Re·venge: Verb (to use with object) - to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, especially in a resentful or vindicitive spirit. 

Revenge is something that happens after the fact. It's one thing to stand up for yourself at the time. Revenge is a completely different animal. It's something that can manifest itself to albatross proportions based on a distorted sense of injury. Edgar Allen Poe captured the irrationality of revenge perfectly in the short story, The Cask of Amontillado. In The Cask of Amontillado, Montresor, a man who may be insane, narrates his elaborate revenge on his friend Fortunato, whom he believes insulted him. His revenge is ultimately completed after he buries Fortunato alive. The moral of the story? Don't be a fucking psychopath. People who actively seek revenge are people who can't accept loss. If someone does something to you, especially something minor, and you feel the need to go off of the deep end planning an intricate plot in order to prove that you are the dominant species, you need help. Everything in life is so minor in the grand scheme. A perceived insult just showcases a crack in the "impenetrable" emotional shell so many believe they have. If you really don't give a shit about anything, nothing would ever bother you. And that is the best philosophy to have to an extent. Don't sweat the small stuff, rather enjoy moments for what they are. Don't worry about the future, don't live in the past, live in the present, do what it is you want to do, and improve yourself as a person every second until you're the best person you can be. Revenge is living in the past. It is unproductive. And revenge, even more so than ultimatums, is the ultimate sign of weakness.

Suicide is for Quitters

For the second time in the past few weeks, I have strongly entertained the idea of taking my own life. Preceding both breakdowns was something negative that happened. And both times, after reflecting on my thoughts from the heat of the moment, I have ultimately determined that suicide is the least masculine, most pathetic thing someone can do. Life sucks. Death probably doesn't. I'd much rather be dead than be alive. But ending everything because you refuse to face your problems is the same thing as shutting off your xbox because you're playing poorly in Call of Duty. You don't shut it off if you ever want to succeed in it. You double down, learn from your mistakes, gain experience, work, and overcome the system of your oppressors. You can't keep someone down who doesn't want to be kept down, who won't accept it. Suicide isn't screaming FUCK YOU at your oppressors, challenges, and difficulties. Suicide is refusing to stand up for yourself. Suicide is eliminating the possibility of reclaiming your honor, dignity, and whatever you stand for. While I am not the type of person to force virtues I extol onto others, and prefer to let others find their own meanings and rules for life, there are universal virtues. These virtues, although they can be expressed in different forms, all have the same identity at their cores. One of these universal virtues, the second most important one is to always stay true to yourself. This virtue can be expressed through honesty, accountability, discipline, hard work, and sacrifice. The most important virtue, however, is to stay true to others. This virtue is expressed the same ways as staying true to yourself; however, the primary motivation is the betterment of other people. No one person on his own is all that important. And in all honesty, one man killing himself will not create much of a ripple in society, and it would be ignored in the grand scheme of things. However, on a personal level, suicide is something that spits in the face of every human virtue that is objectively good. Suicide is cowardly. Suicide is dishonest. Suicide is undisciplined. Suicide is the most pathetic thing someone could do to deal with their problems.

The -isms

Declaring that a woman is physically inferior to men is not sexism.
Believing that this makes her less worthy of living is.

Stating that minorities are more prone to violent crime than whites is not racism.
Believing that this makes them less worthy of freedom is.

Insinuating that shorter players are less adept at basketball is not heightism.
Believing that this makes them unable to play is.

Preaching that young adolescents are not as wise as their elders is not ageism.
Believing that this makes their opinion worthless is.

Shouting that fat people are lazier than fit people is not fatism.
Believing that we should skin them and cook them to feed the hungry is.

Clamoring about how soda is less inherently more healthy than water is not sodaism.
Believing that we should ban all soda is.

Exclaiming that humans are better at running than birds is not avianism.
Believing that we should drown baby birds because of this is.

Not everyone is born equal. Not everything is made equal. Pretending that everything is equal is denying reality. Don't allow uncontrollable circumstances cloud your judgement. But that doesn't mean that they have less of a right to be here than you do.

Be Preeminent

"I don't work out anymore. These younger guys I play against, they're all more athletic than me. They have more energy, can do things it takes me more effort to do. Now I black out."

Paraphrasing that Kobe Bryant quote, it shows the mindset of a champion. No matter how good you are in relation to where you are now, there's always a bigger, better pond to be big fish. What cuts it at one level may not always cut it. To be the best, you need to work harder than everyone else is working, until you are unquestionably elite. If you wallow in self-pity without making a single effort at increasing your positioning in life, without putting in overtime, without driving until your body can't take it anymore, you simply don't deserve anything.

It Always Counts

I recently listened to a girl, parading around her sex life, flat out deny a part of it, declaring that "it didn't count." Bewildered, I told the story to a few friends, expecting them to produce the same reaction I did. Instead, they shared stories of their own friends, who apparently also crossed out meaningful portions of their life that are unflattering to themselves. I get the feeling this phenomena extends itself further than just a few isolated incidents. Sluts everywhere manipulate their past in order to make their own reality more appealing. Would it have counted if it ended differently? How many months pregnant would she have to be for it to have counted? Would it count after a living being crawls out of her vagina, or would you be able to uncount it by immediately proceeding to drown the newborn infant? This philosophy undermines a problematic approach towards life in today's society. Too many people today only put effort into something if it counts for something, or can have some tangible benefit. The problem is, every single second of your life that has occurred so far, is occurring now, or will occur, counts. It doesn't matter if anyone is looking or not. It doesn't matter if it's "just practice." Everything counts. It always counts. Every single second you sit at home watching tv counts. Every relationship you've ever made, no matter how forgettable, counts. Every relationship you've ever had, no matter how abhorrent, counts. And every time you go on a blog searching for self-improvement, reading the same message dressed in different clothing, counts. "Make every moment count," they say. Every moment already counts. The onus is on you to make that moment worth something. Figure things out yourself, in the long run you'll understand it better. Everything in life is based off of one constant: how much work are you willing to put in?

Smart Phones are an Instrument of Laziness

I was recently thinking about how I could keep living expenses down significantly while enjoying the experience of life. The TV is expensive and not necessary, but I doubt I'd get rid of it. Nevertheless I've sworn to myself to limit TV consumption, which in turn would force me to find more productive things to do with my time. My next idea on how to save money is to switch from a smart phone to a cheap flip phone, which can't be done due to social purposes at this point. But it got me thinking, these things that were made to make our lives simpler have all but consumed our lives. We no longer have to remember anything, just set an alert. If we have a thought, make a note an expand on it when we have the time. If we want to talk to someone, text (which I'm noticing isn't used as much anymore), or now FaceTime and/or Facebook group chat. Horny? Limitless access to the Internet means a limitless amount of porn, the bane of our society. We could also sext with others over snapchat. Smart phones are consuming every aspect of our life, and it is counterproductive to our evolution as a species. Now insignificant things in our own social circles take on Orwellian significance for short periods of time, before our short intention spans focus with the definition of a laser on the next "thing." Important things, such as what has been happening to Edward Snowden, fall out of the mainstream as fast as they came into it. I'm curious as to how many people remember his name, or even what the PRISM project was. Remember how many people swore to keep their online activity more secretive since then? How many people actually followed through?

In depicting smartphones as these things that ruin our perceptions and experiences in life, I'm being utterly unfair to smartphones. Smartphones, if used properly, can be the greatest leap in technology in human achievement so far. Using a smartphone, you can teach yourself how to play guitar (which I did). You have the ability to learn any of a number of languages at your fingertips. You can consume a large amount of information in a relatively short period of time, you can learn how to dance, how to sing, how to do anything you can dream of. The issue here is, the smartphone doesn't do any of the work for you, it only gives you the opportunity to do these things for yourself. We live in a time in which we can achieve personal growth, where the axiom "the sky is the limit" cannot hold true because there truly is no limit. We also live in a time in which we are collectively lazier than any humans at any other time in history. These smartphones are our modus operandi for reaching great heights. But we must remember that it is still only a tool, and we must do all of the work ourselves. 

I Love Failure

First of all, I deleted all of the journal entries. I decided that is too personal, and for future reference if something happens that needs to be shared, I will recount the story to the best of my ability (100% accurate). It will still be under the "Dear Diary" category. The obscure reference comes from the refrain in the song Free the Robots by the late Capital Steez, the musician who primarily influenced both my interest in improving myself and in the spiritual. The Original Sample isn't too bad either.

Failure is the greatest thing that can happen to me. I love it. I crave it. It gives me such a high, although of the negative kind. Don't misunderstand me, I don't feel a sense of elation, and I'm not some masochistic/attention-deprived (depraved is more like it) freak who cuts myself either for the pain or the attention. I despise the criticism that accompanies failure, and the harshest criticism often comes from yours truly. However, it is from this failure in which I find the motivation to never fail again. The searing memories of the most intimate moments of my life, the times in which I felt utterly barren and exposed, unworthy of existence itself, those are the memories I draw upon when pushing for another rep in the gym, when I force myself to practice an extra thirty minutes of guitar, or look over a song I've just written, analyzing every line to improve the art by the smallest of margins. And while none of this shows up now, it will one day. And one day, failure will turn to success. And it's just that much sweeter when you have to work for it. Failure motivates a man. And failure is what can bring a man to reach his full potential.

The Religious Life

I write these thoughts down for a simple reason, one I just realized. In the case something happened to me, there's the hope that I don't die. I live on in some form. I would've. I hate for my experience here to be a waste to those living now. We build a better today in hopes of securing a better tomorrow. We are all products of our past, and our past determines our future. What they don't tell you however is that we create our past by the decisions we make in the present. We determine our future by making better choices now. Hard work pays off in the long run. Anyone who thinks they can glide through life without a care is screwed one day in the future. You're a fucking loser if you're not actively trying to build yourself up. What is your goal? This is a personal question I cannot answer for you. What is my goal? To be the person everyone else wants to be. To improve myself to such a degree that others proclaim me a winner at this game called life. Is it the right pursuit? Absolutely not. The Buddhists are the ones who got it right. Or even the Christians, the smart ones at least. That God shit is bullshit. We may have a creator. We may not. There may or may not be a greater force than a human being. It does t matter, we do not understand it if there is one. We are created in the image of god nonetheless, and we create our own realities. We shape the life we live. We choose what we want. There of course is the issue between what we think and what we do. Half the battle is realizing what we need, the other half is doing it. But I digress, these religions have the right philosophy. It's life. Enjoy it. Experience it. Work to help others. Don't let it pass. This is the way to live. Be someone you would be proud to be. That is all.

Staying True to Yourself

Life is full of lessons, there's such an inane amount of knowledge to be acquired and stored in our feeble minds that it is foolish to try to remember it all. Unless we luck out with a photographic memory, we're left with a limited capacity with which to store our foremost thoughts. We have the ability to remember more, but most of it will be stuck somewhere in the Netherlands of our minds, never to resurface without a deep excursion. Out of the knowledge we have remaining, we must learn to prioritize what's the most important, and grow as humans to fulfill an identity we must create for ourselves. In this pursuit, sometimes we may lose sight of the most important thing of all; our own self. Embrace the inner value found within yourself, and shun the desire to seek outside validation. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes a good servant, and a bad master. Acceptance is something we allow ourselves to become a slave of, much in the same way an alcoholic craves his poison, or how a gambling addict continues to prod the thrill of the risk, to his own downfall. If you have a belief, stick to it. Don't force it down someone's throat, but don't allow others to spit on your ideals because you fear the repercussions. If you desire something, speak up. You may be ridiculed and rejected for it, but there is no chance you'll get what you want if you don't make an effort for it. And most importantly, find motivation within yourself. Find what you enjoy, and do it. That doesn't mean smoke weed everyday because "it feels good." In fact, living a life based loosely on unrestricted hedonism is a recipe for disaster, both in a country and in an individual. Do what makes you happy, and you will be happy. Don't fall prey to societal pressures to do what others think will make you happy. Love (note, not like) fishing but don't live near water? Move somewhere where you can fish. You may be pressured by others to revoke your decision, saying you can't do it, but in all honesty, you can. Do you party and act a player because your friends do, but feel empty inside? Then don't party as much. You can even stop partying whatever. Don't feel pressured to do something you don't want to. Grow a backbone. Because you're the only one who can know what you want until you decide to speak up and communicate your desires to others. And that won't happen until you make it happen.

On this topic, I'd like to mention the law of sunk costs. Whether it's actually an official philosophical concept, I don't know. If something is a sunk cost, ignore the cost of it. If you buy tickets to a concert and come concert time you don't want to go and can't find anyone to take the tickets, don't feel like you have to go because you paid for it. It's a sunk cost. Whether you go or not, you're not getting that money back. So don't let the price you paid for something influence your decision surrounding it.

The Englightenment

1. I am God. Reality exists only as perceived by me, at least to me. If I don't exist, nothing exists without me. Other people's opinions are a result of their interpretation of realty, but my reality is unique and exists only to me. I must forge my own identity in order to determine my own reality. All we are is life, trying to survive. Identity is important, and I must ultimately decide everything myself.

2. There is a level of trust that you can reach with someone. Once you reach it, you can't keep bsing someone or trying to get them. You have to be yourself.

3. Everything is one. If I perceive everything, it is part of my reality. Anything I perceive as my reality is me because it is created by my mind. Without my mind it wouldn't exist to me. Since my reality is part of my brain, it is part of me. Therefore everything is me.

4.There are two types of people in the world. Those who create their own reality and those who seek to be part of someone's else's reality. If you create your own reality there is no insecurity. Anything that is just is. When you conform to someone else's, you have to correlate your own to theirs. That stems insecurity.

5. Everything in life is a contradiction.

6. Everything in life that isn't in your immediate reality is based off of perception. Nothing can be perceived 100% truly. However, the longer something is perceived, the closer the truth  is revealed about it.

7. Life is more about the experiences than the end results.

8. The negatives in life can't hold you back from the positives. You can't worry so much about something happening that you forget to have fun. Yeah you can get hurt but its not something you should be anticipating. Some people lose so much trust in others they forget how to have fun. You just do, you don't focus on the bad things in life. Life can be a blessing, don't stress it.

9. Don't throw your own identity away for nothing. 

Solitude

I like the feeling of solitude. There's something about being on your own alone that is comforting in a way. I enjoy not being beholden to anyone. Maybe it's just an escape from my insecurities. But maybe it's not, because even when I'm supremely confident people bore me. I like to do my own thing. And I'll admit that yes there are insecurities associated with talking to others. I don't want to appear too needy to some people for example. But the will to talk to them doesn't override that. Have I begun to lose faith in people? Absolutely. This novel sense of contempt towards others is empowering in a way. I can play nice, but its gotten to the point I'd rather be by myself than fucking someone else. And what am I doing by myself ideally? Improving myself for the purpose of increasing my sexual value. There lies an irony of sorts. All of this stems from insecurity, the solitude, etc. I'm an insecure person. But one who is so self-absorbed I cannot begin to worry about others beyond a twinge of emotion. It's always struck me as odd that nothing mortifies me. Disaster almost amuses me. Death is impersonal, even when it's close. The fear that has preoccupied me forever is being cheated on, that's why I never get into relationships. Yet I am willing to cheat with little to no hesitation. I realize I get jealous easily, even when I don't care about someone. But that's the only motivation for me to do anything. Who cares what a bitch does without me, so long as I have the freedom to do whatever I want without her. That's my fear of cheating, I'm afraid of being bested by someone else, of coming out worse. When I have the hand I can end anything with no regrets or second thoughts. Of course it doesn't make me happy but its not supposed to. If happiness and sadness fight for equilibrium, there's no point chasing happiness or avoiding misery. And unless I'm willing to submit to blissful ignorance or succumb to overriding pessimism, it'll even out. Yet it's too late for the former, and while I find myself leaning towards the latter at times, I don't care about anything enough to actually be bothered by it. The simple fact is happiness isn't something you can control easily. And I'd rather let it flow naturally. What I crave is knowledge, power, influence. The fucking world. I want to be on top of it, I want to know its my world. And it is. If I wanted to kill someone, I have the power to. The issue is they have the power to kill me too. I can't let that happen. I need to come out on top even if its a fluke. Small samples sizes are what I'm looking for that I win out of. Once I break as positive as I can, leave. I'm selfish, and fucked up. I love it.