Pain

Pain inspires beauty. We crave pain, we need pain. Pain enables us to empathize with our fellow human beings. We grow through pain. Pain uproots us from toxic situations, pain precedes the next great thing. Pain separates us from automatons. Pain creates and pain destroys. Pain inspires. Pain has crafted some of the best music and art in the world, as well as the worst. Pain lets us breath. Pain hurts. Pain cannot be contained. When we experience true pain, we can't hide from it. We can try, but the pain will come. Pain disrupts our monotonous routines. Pain excites. Pain adds risk to love. If love was safe, it wouldn't be special. Pain follows from vulnerability. That much is simple, but the vulnerability is the elegance of it. Don't disrupt pain. The worst thing someone can do is to hide their emotions in a shell and tuck it away someplace where it will never be found. The reward is worth the pain, every single time. And when the pain comes, and it inevitably will, don't cower from it, bask in it. Let it out, break something, throw something, scream, cry, do something. It's all part of the human experience.

I cried when my father left my family, every day for a year. My mother always said I haven't cried since. Technically, she would be correct; I never physically cried again after that. But she doesn't know better. I cried when my great grandpa died. I cried when my first best friend moved away. I cried after a fight with my second ever best friend in middle school which severed our friendship. I cried every day for a month when I couldn't play hockey anymore because of financial problems. I cried when my first love broke my heart; that's how it happened, and don't let me convince you otherwise. I may feign a disinterest in her, but I would get back together with her in a heartbeat. I cried when my second love cheated on me. I cried when I got kicked out of college. I cried at the end of the movie Malice in Wonderland. And now, I'm crying over another girl who betrayed me and everything that we were. Of course, I ran out of tears when my father left; technically, my eyes have yet to procure a physical tear since. But the pain inside remains true, and as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling contemplating what went wrong this time, I ultimately would never take the pain away at the expense of the experience.

I've dealt with my pain in a number of ways. I'm a very insecure person. I have highly narcissistic tendencies; the last time I took a test for it I scored in the 98th percentile. Narcissism is more or less an overcompensation for a deep sense of inferiority and insecurity. I dealt with heartbreaks in every way, from fucking everything that moves, to ignoring, to cutting ties permanently (yet it's funny how permanently never lasts longer than a week), to drinking and smoking my pain away. None of this solves the problem, it just hides it. I'm lonely if I'm not constantly talking to someone. I have to stay up until 2 am texting a girl every night; if I don't, I feel like a loser. I'm always texting somebody, and when no one responds instantaneously, I find myself lost in my thoughts, questioning my self-worth. I know, and have known for quite some time, that I seek external validation, primarily sexually. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16, but I had sex a week later. I felt inferior to my friends until then, friends whos bravado screamed "look at me, I get it in." Now I'm good with girls. They're really not hard to figure out. But am I any happier? I seek out sluts because they're the ones who provide my validation the quickest. Fucking a girl the night you meet her is the ultimate ego boost. I always like to play the game "can I finger her before I kiss her." The girls I've messed with have already tainted my view of females. At times, I deal with my problems by trying to shove them into the back of my mind. This just leads to frequent outbursts, and more pain. Sometimes I work out, sometimes I listen to music. 

The big issue only appears when we try to mask our pain. We should not be seeking out pain. We should try to avoid pain, and seek happiness. However, in many cases, pain is the risk of happiness, and when we inevitably stare the face of emotional injury in the eyes, it is best to accept it as just another experience in this great big game we call existence.