My Last Day at College

My first college experience didn't start well. Two weeks of nonstop partying left me with nothing but a loose clique, a restraining order against my primary fuckbuddy, and four charges against me, ranging from harassment to violence. Neither my main bitch, Rach, or I, wanted a restraining order, so we just ignored it. I don't remember much from the beginning of the day, it was just typical classes, bullshit, enjoying myself as usual.  Near the end of the day, I Iearned that I didn't make the main roster for the hockey team at the school; the cards were always stacked against me, having 8 returning defenseman already on the roster. Nevertheless, any excuse to drink remains a good excuse to drink. My main fuckbuddy asked me if she could pick up a bottle from the kid I got into a fight with a few days before, I didn't really care. It bothered me that she wouldn't suck my dick before going, but she did put her mouth on my shaft before leaving, so I took solace in that small victory. I proceeded to smoke with her best friend, making her buy the dime. The awkwardness in the air was so thick I could've cut through it with a knife. When we were done, we returned to the campus to meet up with Rach, who brought along a bottle of svedka vodka. It was shit, and I didn't drink much, my mind preoccupied with how she procured this bottle. Maybe she sucked his cock for it, maybe she fucked for it, but it was obvious they didn't buy it. I could taste the cock on her lips the first time we kissed, and I didn't kiss her again for the rest of the night. I ended up spending the entire night thinking about what was next. I already decided that I wasn't fucking Rach that night, and likely wasn't going to fuck her from that point forward. After drinking with some friends, I walked her back to her room, under the pretense that we would fuck. I was planning on leaving and hitting up another girl during this time. However, everything was complicated when her bitchy RA intercepted us in the hall, proclaiming with her paramount authority that the RA of another dorm had previously reported us for excessive drunkenness. Rach stubbornly acted like a drunk slut would, and it ended up with her RA calling Public Safety, despite my obstinate pleas to the contrary. I left, although Rach begged me to come back. They transported her to the hospital to detox, while I returned to the friends we were with before. During this time I began to worry for her safety, and began texting her incessantly, begging for a health update. After five unanswered texts, I was convinced she died or was in a coma and texted her I love you to see if she would answer. After no answer, I ended up in a somewhat depressed state. I ultimately decided against(?) the wishes of the girls who's room I was in that I was sleeping there. I started out sleeping on the floor, and once again decided to sleep in the bed of one of the girls, Gina, who was a virgin. She offered protests to the contrary, but I got the impression from her if I actually was planning to do something with her, she would go for it. She repeatedly said she wasn't "comfortable with this because I was with Rach," (complete bullshit on her part, I hu with her best friend in front of her the day before) probably looking for permission or denial from me. I toyed with the idea of hooking up with her, but was too depressed at the time because Rach ended up in the hospital and decided to just fall asleep while aggressively cuddling her (does such a thing exist?) 

I woke up at 4am, and checked my phone to about 8 calls from Rach. I called her back, and heard her phone going off in the room I was in. She actually ended up sleeping in the same room as I did. Ecstatic, I went to her, where her friend, angry that I woke her up, kicked us both out. After a mini journey trying to find my room key (it was in the mess hall, where a stray employee happened to be at 4:30 am just in time to return it to me) we went back to my room and fell into unconsciousness. The next time I would wake up, I would be being escorted by public safety to the Dean of students to subsequently be removed from the college. Rach and I would gradually text less and less as time went on, and after a month and a half, we had stopped talking entirely. We had "made plans" that I would go to a neighboring college the next semester, and would therefore be able to copulate again. She never thought to realize that even if I did end up there, I would find new girls, and wouldn't be going there because of there to see her, but rather because they have a strong department in a subject I'm very interested in. Maybe she did realize this or maybe she deluded herself into thinking we would actually see again. Either way, it doesn't matter, because both of us have gone our separate ways, and now remain nothing but a string of memories to each other. Memories which, ironically, we can't remember because we were always drunk.

The lucidity of this night remains clear to me, relative to the rest of my college experience. Are there life lessons to be learned from this? Maybe, maybe not. I haven't reflected too much on the experience. The only thing I've learned for sure from this is that you can never trust a hoe to ever be more than a hoe.

Pain

Pain inspires beauty. We crave pain, we need pain. Pain enables us to empathize with our fellow human beings. We grow through pain. Pain uproots us from toxic situations, pain precedes the next great thing. Pain separates us from automatons. Pain creates and pain destroys. Pain inspires. Pain has crafted some of the best music and art in the world, as well as the worst. Pain lets us breath. Pain hurts. Pain cannot be contained. When we experience true pain, we can't hide from it. We can try, but the pain will come. Pain disrupts our monotonous routines. Pain excites. Pain adds risk to love. If love was safe, it wouldn't be special. Pain follows from vulnerability. That much is simple, but the vulnerability is the elegance of it. Don't disrupt pain. The worst thing someone can do is to hide their emotions in a shell and tuck it away someplace where it will never be found. The reward is worth the pain, every single time. And when the pain comes, and it inevitably will, don't cower from it, bask in it. Let it out, break something, throw something, scream, cry, do something. It's all part of the human experience.

I cried when my father left my family, every day for a year. My mother always said I haven't cried since. Technically, she would be correct; I never physically cried again after that. But she doesn't know better. I cried when my great grandpa died. I cried when my first best friend moved away. I cried after a fight with my second ever best friend in middle school which severed our friendship. I cried every day for a month when I couldn't play hockey anymore because of financial problems. I cried when my first love broke my heart; that's how it happened, and don't let me convince you otherwise. I may feign a disinterest in her, but I would get back together with her in a heartbeat. I cried when my second love cheated on me. I cried when I got kicked out of college. I cried at the end of the movie Malice in Wonderland. And now, I'm crying over another girl who betrayed me and everything that we were. Of course, I ran out of tears when my father left; technically, my eyes have yet to procure a physical tear since. But the pain inside remains true, and as I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling contemplating what went wrong this time, I ultimately would never take the pain away at the expense of the experience.

I've dealt with my pain in a number of ways. I'm a very insecure person. I have highly narcissistic tendencies; the last time I took a test for it I scored in the 98th percentile. Narcissism is more or less an overcompensation for a deep sense of inferiority and insecurity. I dealt with heartbreaks in every way, from fucking everything that moves, to ignoring, to cutting ties permanently (yet it's funny how permanently never lasts longer than a week), to drinking and smoking my pain away. None of this solves the problem, it just hides it. I'm lonely if I'm not constantly talking to someone. I have to stay up until 2 am texting a girl every night; if I don't, I feel like a loser. I'm always texting somebody, and when no one responds instantaneously, I find myself lost in my thoughts, questioning my self-worth. I know, and have known for quite some time, that I seek external validation, primarily sexually. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16, but I had sex a week later. I felt inferior to my friends until then, friends whos bravado screamed "look at me, I get it in." Now I'm good with girls. They're really not hard to figure out. But am I any happier? I seek out sluts because they're the ones who provide my validation the quickest. Fucking a girl the night you meet her is the ultimate ego boost. I always like to play the game "can I finger her before I kiss her." The girls I've messed with have already tainted my view of females. At times, I deal with my problems by trying to shove them into the back of my mind. This just leads to frequent outbursts, and more pain. Sometimes I work out, sometimes I listen to music. 

The big issue only appears when we try to mask our pain. We should not be seeking out pain. We should try to avoid pain, and seek happiness. However, in many cases, pain is the risk of happiness, and when we inevitably stare the face of emotional injury in the eyes, it is best to accept it as just another experience in this great big game we call existence.

An Appreciation of Modern Rap I

There are so many pitches, frequencies, mediums, distortions, effects, anything is possible through music. It can convey any emotion, it can paint any picture. The auditory painting is essential to experiencing life, to being alive. Music is what allows us to bask in our irrationality and balk at our rationality. Music brings people together. Music is beautiful.

Capital STEEZ

Steelo has done much with his music in his short time here. Kicking off this list at number seems suitable for one of the most underrated and overly talented rappers to have ever been alive. Steelo's claim to fame lies in being one of the founding fathers of the rap supergroup Progressive Era. He draws influences heavily from MF Doom, going as far as taking a direct sample of the beat from Doom's song Dead Bent, while quoting MF Doom (Who quoted Atlantic Starr) at the beginning of the song:

'Ooh you're like the Sun
Chasing all of the Pain Away
When you come around you bring brighter days'
She told me 'you're the perfect one
Me and you, forever we'll be'
I told her
'I will rock this microphone, Always...

STEEZ, while alive, only had one mixtape to his credit, Amerikkan Korruption, which classifies as an underground classic, although relatively new. I still remember the day I learned he killed himself, Christmas Eve last year. I lamented the fact my girlfriend at the time as soon as I learned, and didn't talk to her for a while after she didn't pay him the reverence he deserved. At the time, I had just learned of him, and was integrating myself with his music. He ended up being one of my favorite rappers. He was a rapper who was obsessed with the spiritual, I called him the "Ab-Soul of Pro Era." His songs have influenced me dramatically, especially Black Petunia, and Free the Robots. His delivery was pretty good, he had a decent voice, slightly above average wordplay, and reliably terrible production, yet there was always an undefinable element in his music that vaulted him above every other rapper.

Classics:

Infinity and Beyond

Dead Prez

Free the Robots

Black Petunia

Hard Times

Stars

Ab-Soul

A prominent member of the rap supergroup Black Hippy, he qualifies as a legitimately insane genius. Like Steelo, he is obsessed with the paranormal, maybe even a little more than Steelo was. He is a hardcore drug user, and he raps about his experiences with every type of drug from Promethazine (Mixed Emotions) to DMT (Pineal Gland). He seems to be very aware of history and conspiracy theories from every period of time, and does everything from claim the government is trying to overthrow us to maintain the existence of the Illuminati. Yet beyond this, he flashes occasional signs of vulnerability. He has had an incredibly difficult life emotionally; he may not have grown up on the streets of Compton, but he has been through so much that it's a miracle he even bothers waking up in the morning. He suffered through Steven-Johnson Syndrome as a child, and had the love of his life, fellow musician Alori Joh, kill herself, which he raps about in the song Book of Soul. His skills as a rapper are incredible. His ability as a concept rapper is unmatched by the rest of Black Hippy. He paints vivid pictures and tears them apart just as easily. He also dances on his words, his wordplay ability is fantastic. His flow is a little unorthodox, but it fits his style. He repertoire continues to grow as he advances as a rapper, and he is scheduled to release his second studio album soon. Beyond Control System, his mixtape Longterm Mentality 2 may also stand to be a great compilation of music.

Classics:

Bohemian Grove

Double Standards

Empathy

iLLuminate

Loosen My Tie

Mixed Emotions

Moscato

Terrorist Threats

The Book of Soul

Top Dawg Under Dawg

Danny Brown

Danny Brown is his own man. He does what he feels like. He's relatively new in the rap game considering his age, yet he brings a unique voice to the rap game. His style can at best be classified as unorthodox, his voice flies all over the place. and it takes time to adjust to his music. Yet, once one pries into the depths of the Detroit MC's rhymes, he will find some of the best lyricism rap has had in a while. He hails from Slim Shady's hometown, and in a way shares the latter's bravado. He crosses the line regularly in his songs, evidenced in Pac Blood

Tears to Mona Lisa, Medusa to Liquid
Flows can make Ghandi grab a heater, wanna shoot shit
Rhyme's that make the pope want to get his dick sucked
Had Virgin Mary doing lines in the pickup
Make Sarah Palin deepthroat until she hiccup
Had T.D. Jakes round this bitch doing stick-ups

Danny Brown has a tendency to take things to such ridiculous extremes that they end up being hilarious. When he's featured on a track, he has a tendency to take a track over, as he did in Ab-Soul's signature track Terrorist Threats, dropping a legendary line in the process

Feel my pain, going insane, I'm ashamed

Cause I ain't got shit but an EBT card from a fiendThat owe me and it's in his daughter name
How the fuck is they 'pose to eat?
How the fuck am I 'pose to eat?
Got a nigga in the streets, no health care
Tryna slang weed just to put shoes on his feet

He does the same in A$AP Rocky's supersong 1 Train, dropping the best verse on a song featuring Kendrick Lamar, Big K.R.I.T., Action Bronson, Joey Bada$$, and Yelawolf

That molly got me nauseous, aw shit, no off switch
Lawless, obnoxious, on that "suck my cock" shit
That is my synopsis, ostrich posh shit
Hoes on some God shit, stop it! You not this!
Novice, regardless, heartless and awkward
Cryin' tears of vodka prima donna at the concert
Adonis smokin' chronic 'bout to vomit gin and tonic
Just bein' honest, tell me, isn't that ironic?

Classics:

30

Die Like a Rockstar

DNA

Flight Confirmation

Outer Space

Party All the Time

Radio Song

Time is of the Essence

Procrastination epitomizes our culture's inherent disposition towards laziness. Day by day, the negative connotation corrodes away, as more and more people adapt the mindset Carpe Diem Cras. Psychologically, the phenomenon of putting off even the most basic tasks can be explained relatively simply, as the menacing deadlines imposed on us today limit our perceived freedom, and if there's one thing people hate, it's a threat against our freedoms. Procrastination leads us to ultimately rush our work, and the obvious detriment to this is that the general quality of everything we do is severely limited. Yet, there remains a latent danger involved with a consistency in this type of thinking, especially in our formative years. Every decision we make affects our future in some way, in a ripple effect fashion. The magnitude of the ripple is inconsequential. Every action we perform affects our future thinking in some way to some degree. In terms of behavior, performing a negative behavior prompts us to be more biased towards that behavior in the future, and the same rule applies for a positive behavior. This doesn't mean that if you smoke marijuana one time you will inevitably fall into a life of hardcore drugs, but rather that the act of smoking marijuana breeds a bias towards smoking marijuana, whereas refusing to smoke marijuana breeds a bias against smoking marijuana. Again, no matter how small this bias is, and it varies person to person, it will eventually add up over time. Our beliefs and characters will invariably line up with our past behaviors. The big issue with this is that negative behavior is unproductive behavior, and time is a limited resource we can never recover. Time is the most important resource we have because of that simple fact, because time is the only thing that can never be recovered. We can always fall in love again, we can always make more money. Time, however, should be invested wisely.
Now, everyone has different value systems in life. Some people want to be successful, while others just want to experience life. Everyone has meaning in their lives, because with irrational creatures such as us, even the absence of meaning is meaning. While I do not condone the pursuit of material objects, I am not the person to demand that one conforms to my belief system. You must decide your own rules, and decide how to live your own life. We define our own existence, it cannot be defined for us. Eventually, your clock will stop ticking. After that, your existence will be dramatically redefined, if not completely terminated. Invest this time, every moment of it, the way you want to, fully aware that every action at every point in your life will indubitably affect your future. Work for today to build what you want tomorrow, because when tomorrow comes around, there will be no more today.

The Social Animal Notes

The Social Animal Notes

Utilitarianism Notes

Utilitarianism Notes

Psychology: The Influence of Persuasion Notes

Psychology: The Influence of Persuasion Notes

The Messenger

The Nature of Bad News Infects the Teller

The Blame Game

To state that something is annoying only leads to circular reasoning as it does not explain the experience of annoyance or its precise cause -- and thus we do not see how this in itself is a 'danger sign' because this type of interaction will inform all of our relationships, including the most important: the one we have with ourselves