It's You

I finally realize what it is. For a long time, people have told me I have something on my shoulder, an anger deep inside of me that has yet to be resolved. I've never denied it, but have never taken it too seriously either. I had always figured that the answer to my psychological issues would come to me in a great epifiny one day, and the conflict would've been something cliche; anger at my dad for "abandoning" me, or blaming myself for my parents divorce, or something along those lines. But no, I realize now what it is; it's you. You're the person I haven't forgiven, the person I've always hated. Maybe I do blame you for the divorce subconsciously, maybe I don't; I genuinely believe I don't care about the divorce at all anymore though. I also don't care about my father in any capacity, and don't miss the family after everyone took the other side. What I hate is you. You created this dynamic that entrapped me, made me dependent on you, on your side, in your dispair from the divorce. You created this mentality in me that my dad was evil, my family was evil, everyone is evil, and you're the saint who sacrificed everything for me, the one who gave up 36 hours to give birth to me, the one who sold her jewelry to keep me in hockey. You made me fear the real world as a child, instead clinging to the fallen reality you had "gifted" to my brother and I. I would live somewhere else by now if I had money and a college degree, but I'm afraid of what can happen. Maybe I still should live somewhere else. You managed to push me away and pull me in simultaneously. There's a reason I ignored you when I was in college, and it's not because I forgot to answer you, or because I was drunk half the time, or because I was with my friends. It was because you finally didn't have power over me. And the funny thing is, the power structure is more or less imagined, something I've played into. Power is a concept, but it isn't tangible. If I want to live under your roof, I would have to follow at least your minimal rules. But there are plenty of places to live, and I would've been better off doing my own thing. I'm only subjected to your power as much as I allow myself to be subjected to it. It's funny how its always everyone else's fault with you, and you're always the victim. I've always felt subjugated to your decisions and will, and felt that my freedom has been restricted. That's why I jumped at the chance to do drugs, to have sex, to do everything you told me not to do. It was pure adolescent rebellion, and I'll admit they were blind decisions with limited foresight. Maybe the horrible dynamic you've established with me is the reason I can't hold a real relationship with a girl for anything more than my selfish desires. I'm sick of you.

This is all in the past though. I do still hate you, and I'm going to have issues with this until I can forgive you, which isn't happening until I don't see you for a long, long time. I can't force myself to forgive you unfortunately, and a conscious acknowledgement that "I forgive you," that I played a hand in my issues as well (although at the age my issues developed at I couldn't have known better), and that you were emotionally devasted, maybe a little soul searching as for your motivations for doing what you did, won't be enough. The reality of te situation is that I have to deal with you for two weeks until I go to college again, in this horrible dynamic we have; the dynamic has never changed between us in the past two an a half years, since I started "revolting" against you. I'm still too stubborn to bend to your wishes, and you're too stubborn to bend to mine. There's an immense conflict of interest, primarily fueled by hatred on my side, and I don't know what on yours. Maybe I'll forgive you when time goes on, but it's not something I can force. The important thing, at the very least, has been discovered on my part. I did have psychological issues in the past, and you are the reason for a lot of those issues. But now, it's up to me to be my own man. I no longer want to have horrible relationship dynamics with girls (re: mommy issues). I no longer want to do drugs, and haven't touched anything, even weed, in months. I may have found the motivation for a lot of the shit I have done. However, these are still my choices, and I can make the choice to not do these things. I'm going to delve into this more in the future, I have a lot of thoughts on this. My mind has been proccupied with this as I cooked dinner for myself, ate it, and then eventually started typing this post. But at this point, I've been thinking of this for the past hour, ever since you left to go celebrate Christmas Eve without me. And good, because now I'm alone, and I've never felt more liberated. I've had time to finally identify the demons I've been living with, both metaphorically and literally. I just can't wait for college.

"Running away isn't rough, but it isn't enough"